Posted by Tuty on Jan 5, 2012 in
A distant memory,
Parenting Being a parent of two girls made me wonder how my parents brought me up to the person I am today.
I’m not all that great. I’ve sinned, i’ve made mistakes, i was rude before, but all in all, i guess my life now turned out alright.
I always have curfew when my friends didnt. Even if they did have curfew, my curfews were always earlier than my friends. Papa never allowed me to go for social gatherings like friends’ bday parties or even house visiting during hari raya since I started schooling.
Year on year, his answer is always the same. NO. Whn ever i asked permission to attend an event ie, bday, gatherings, hari raya. I always wondered why but nvr gathered the courage to ask him. Maybe I should one day.
In primary school, i didnt attend any friends’ birthday parties held at their homes. I’ve never been to my best friend’s house either. And whenever I brought my bestfriend / friends home, I will always get a good scolding in the presence of my friends and after they’ve gone home.
In secondary school, i’ve never been to any house visiting during hari raya. Never visited the teacher’s houses with my friends either. Never loiter at shopping malls after school. Papa sent and fetched me from school every single day. And i’m glad he did. I hate taking the bus and squeezing with the rest of the students. Hah!
I’m not allowed outside the house after i returned from school. Which means if my class ends at 3.30pm, i’d be home by 4.30pm. And then, i’ll be home for the rest of the day. Curfew starts as soon as I am home.
Rules started changing when I finally studied at the polytechnic. My curfew was extended to 10:00pm. Not 10:01pm even. So most times I reached home way before 10pm.
I guess Papa understood that being in tertiary has its own set of activities. I joined a dance group so i have dance practises that ends at 9pm. And sometimes the classes themselves starts at 8pm.
In my first year, i participated in a Jam&Hop orientation programme as one of those freshies who got thru the dance auditioned. That night, i reached home at 12mn. It felt great to be out later than 10pm, but fearful at the same time, how would Papa react? Whn i got home, he was waiting up for me, the moment I got thru the door, he said: ‘Ok, wash up and go to bed..’ he then disappeared into his bedroom.
I guess, I gained his trust then. Throughout my tertiary years, I never once betrayed that trust. When I couldnt make it back in time by the said curfew, I will call Papa directly and inform him on how late I was going to be. I think he appreciates that because each time I call, the conversation ends with: ‘Ok, just be careful..’
When I have a fiance, he always watch my time for me and never fail to remind me that I have a 10pm curfew to obey. I never had the chance to party or club. Neveeeerrrr!
Where am I going with this lengthy story of mine, aye?
THIS.
How did my Papa do it? How did he made me obey the curfews he has set for me all these while? Annnnd…
Why do I feel the strong need to obey these curfews? I did not rebel nor question him. He made me feel so guilty even if I came home a minute or two later than my curfew. To the extend that I grounded myself for the rest of the week and be home by 8pm instead.
How did he do it? I must pick up that courage now and ask him. So that I can do the same to my two girls. Not to bore them out of their lifes but to ensure my peace of mind on their safety. It is most important.
While i was busy breastfeeding Maira and getting used to her latching on me, i became more and more tired. Cuz she wants to hang on those boobies every other minute. And battling sore and crack nipples for the first few weeks wasnt an easy task.
I’ve always loved my ‘me-time’ and every once in a while i will have that. With breastfeeding, this freedom is and will be restricted. Honestly, i’m not sure if i’m ready for that. Yet.
I love my family, my children but i also, most importantly, love myself. And i also love my time with my friends. I wouldnt abandon meeting my friends juz because i’m married or with children. When i have the time and convenience, i will wanna hang out with my friends. And i dunno if breastfeeding will allow me to do that.
And i’d love to travel again to somewhere far with Kanda. Countless honeymoon, but breastfeeding will be a restriction for me to achieve that.
Call me selfish or judge me. It’s alright. Because at the end of the day, if i kept thinking breastfeeding will restrict my movements, that is what i’m always thinking of.
Most times, being a mother needs to be selfless. Put your kids’ needs before your own. I agree. But by being this selfish (not willing to give up my ‘me-time’), it doesnt mean i’m a bad mother. *peace*
Bottom line is, i’m juz not mentally ready to breastfeed. I shall try harder with my third pregnancy. InsyaAllah.
When I was pregnant with Maiya, I really wanted to breast feed. And being a first time mommy, I didnt know how much or how little breast milk is supposed to be. So I didnt panicked when there were no signs of milk even until i gave birth.
Being a new mom for the first time, naturally I will be afraid when the baby cries. Fear of not knowing what she wants. I tried latching her directly on my boobies but she has some difficulty. So, when Maiya cried, almost half turning blue for milk, I panicked. I gave in to formular milk instead. And i had to use what i called ‘fake nipples’ to help her latch directly. By then, milk supply isnt there anymore. I was determined to breastfeed when I have another baby.
And then I was pregnant with Maira, i am determine to get her to latch directly since I nvr actually mastered this act with Maiya. I believed that the milk supply is a supply and demand thing so the more i get her to latch, the more milk there is.
First week aft giving birth, i had slight engorgement and when i pumped, i get a total of 1 ounce from both breasts combined. So for the next 5 weeks, i got her to latch directly, keeping only 3x formular milk. Just so that the milk supply will increase. At the end of the 5th week, i tried pumping again, hoping to get a lot of milk. To my disappointment, in total, i only have 1 ounce of breast milk. I finally realised the reason for Maira being agitated and crying all the time for the past weeks. My baby didnt get sufficient milk! I didnt know where i went wrong. Honestly.
I hear from my mum and mother in law and my bestfriend that their breast milk is a lot. Sometimes too much that it overflows from the breasts and wet ur top. My bff always has to change her top in the middle of the night because her milk will overflow. As for me, my breast pads are not even wet.
I’ve concluded that maybe, i’m not blessed with a lot of milk. And that’s prob the reason why my boobs are not even increasing in size!
This is part one of the reason why i gave up breast feeding.
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Posted by Tuty on Oct 14, 2011 in
Baby M2 (Maira Amanie) It has been 5 weeks since I gave birth. My wounds have healed and I can pretty much walk slightly faster than I shld. hahha. Having a toddler and you’re in confinement with a newborn really made you wonder if you can manage these 2 babies who, in my personal opinion, needs equal attention from me – the Bunda. Ohwell, I will just have to manage. Here’s my birth story.
7 Sep 2011 – The False Alarm at 12nn
A day after my last entry, my body released something, which I believed was the mucus plug. It was slightly brownish-red in colour and it looks like phlegm. Only difference, it comes out from your down there instead of your nose. And I thought, this is it. I’m going into labour. Called my dad who was at work and some close elder relatives to asked for their prayers.
The emergency ward nurse told me to slowly make my way to the labour ward and will have the Doc chk me up. I took my time and reached there at 3pm. When Doc inserted her fingers to check my cervix opening, she only found that I’m only 2.5cm dilated. a good 0.5cm upgrade from the day before. =/ Since there were no signs of contractions, the Doc sent me back home! major lol moment.
Yes, I was disappointed. I waited so long for the babe and to be sent home was such a party pooper.
False Alarm: Being monitored for signs of contractions for 1 hr.
8 Sep 2011 – Supper at 10++pm
We went to Yishun to visit the granny and spend some time with my in laws. At about 10pm, Kanda, my elder SIL + Husband and myself went out to accompany Kanda to his appt and my SIL + Husband also made some quick errands. After which, when they ended their appointments, we went to grab some yummy supper at Yishun near Chong Pang. because Kanda insisted that his sister try the Ayam Penyek at Chong Pang.
The place wasnt fully crowded but was there were some tables still occupied. Probably hungry like ourselves. I was feeling ok all these while, eating good food, drinking hot milo but also sipping on my SIL’s cold longan drink.
It was about 10.45pm. Just as I finished my last bite *and swallowed* and I was contemplating if I shld ask Kanda to buy me another drink exactly like my SIL’s so I wun have to feel guilty sipping on her drink…. I felt that I wet my pants. I must have this shocked expression on my face and all the time I’ve been staring at my SIL. She looked at me and asked me what was wrong. I couldnt say it until I was sure and I wanted to check first.
I couldnt just touch in between my legs to check because there’s some guy sitting opposite and might see me touching my down there. THAT would be weird. My SIL asked me the same question again, to which i just shook my head and replied: ‘Wait. Wait.’
I reached behind my back for my bag and shifted it forward to cover myself and i checked. Yup. Wet. Confirmed. I turned to Kanda and said: ‘Erm, I think my water bag burst..’
Kanda wasnt panic. He was cool this time around. He said: ‘Ok, finish up your milo first. then stand up, we’ll go to the car.’
SIL: ‘You’re ok right..? I go to the toilet to wash my hands first, I’ll be back.’
BIL: ‘OMG! Your water bag bursts???!!!’ *feeling fainty* ROFL
Both Kanda and SIL were cool as ice while my BIL was the kancheong spider. He felt fainty, he was nervous, anxious and feeling scared all at the same time. He thought I was about to give birth there and then. LOL
I finished my hot milo and i can feel the water from the womb slowly running down my legs. I just refused to stand up after a lot of persuading from Kanda and SIL (she came back from the ladies). I was afraid if I stood up, 1. the water will gush out even more, drying up the womb and 2. I was embarrassed! I didnt want the people there to think I just peed in my pants.
I finally stood up because I looked under the chair and i saw water dripping from it like tap water! now, THAT is something to be embarrassed about! I quickly stood up and walked to the ladies, didnt turn to look around, for fear that people will look at me funny. I washed my hands, checked my wet butt and then went to the car and sit. We called our respective parents to inform that my water bag just broke and I was about to go to the hospital. Good thing that Maiya was with my MIL at the time of the drama. hahah We went to fetch that little girl before heading to Raffles Hospital.
9 Sep 2011 – Midnight: Admitted at Raffles Hospital
I took a bath as soon as I was warded. Yikes to the slimy water bag. Managed to record a recollection of the drama earlier during supper and took some pictures too.
As soon as the nurses strapped me on those heartbeat and contractions detectors, I had to be stuck in bed.
……………..For the next 12 hours. But I had a good night’s sleep. =)
Just after admittance at Raffles Hospital
12 hours! So we took some funny videos of ourselves! lol
9 Sep 2011 – 8.30am
The Doc came to check my cervix again and this time, it’s 3cm dilated. I swear I wanted to cry. Because I have been lying on my back for almost 9 hours and i’m only 3cm dilated! it’ll take another approx. 7 more hours till labour. By this time, Doc advised that she needs to induce me to quicken the process else the more the cervix is exposed, the danger of getting bacteria in there and dangerous it is for the baby and me.
No pain, so still have time to socialise on FB & Twitter
9 Sep 2011 – 10am
The nurses came to insert the needle and the drip on my left hand. yikes. hurts. I was half expecting to give birth in the next 3 hours but until then I didnt feel any pain at all. so I guess it’s not happening just yet. Every other hour, the nurses came and gradually increased the dosage of the drip and asked if the pain has kicked in.
9 Sep 2011 – 1pm
The pain was only felt slightly after lunch time. Before that I can already feel slight contractions but pain score of about 3 or 4. Still mild and quite bearable. And again, this time around I opted for no painkillers and certainly no epidural. Stupidly heroic as it may sound, but absolutely no to epidural because I heard about the side effects and my friends who took them complained about backaches.. i rather not. And, contractions & pain are all part of the beauty of child birth.. so why not juz enjoy it even for a few hours. It was a great honour, you know..
Around this time too, the nurses came in and out of the ward to shift the heartbeat detector as the baby moves downwards towards the opening. And the nurses also asked again and again, and tried to convince me to take the epidural or any other form of painkillers. I said, juz provide the laughing gas for me. BUT as usual, the stupid laughing gas did not have any effect on me only until AFTER the baby is out. Too late.
It’s lucky that Kanda was there all the time and he kept me strong and convinced me that I can do without any epidural or any form of painkillers. he gave me the reassurance that I can do it again. I believed him.
9 Sep 2011 – 3.30pm
By this time, the contraction pains were excruciating. I think it was a pain score of 8 and I was really trying so hard to use the laughing gas and enjoy it thoroughly.. didnt work. I was still in pain. Nurse informed me that I was already 6cm dilated and I asked her how long will it take for me to be in active labour (7 – 10 cm), she said would be about 2-3 hours. I was already on my back for more than 15 hours and hearing that 2-3 more hours to go, I asked the nurse if I could just relief my backache for a few minutes. So i turned to my left and held on tight to the bed post to endure the pain.
What the nurse didnt know or probably slipped her (& mine too) was, I was about to deliver my second daughter and I just delivered the year before and last year’s experience was I went from 6cm – active labour within minutes, not hours!!
A tip to pregnant woman about to give birth: DO NOT ever lift your butt off the bed. EVER. in any circumstances. OR, your vagina will tear in many many places. it will hurt like hell. Trust me. Because that is exactly what happened to me.
Because I wanted to relief the backache and turned to the left and was 6cm dilated. Within minutes, I feel that the baby’s about to go crowning! and I can feel her pushing downwards and about to come out. All this time, I was turning to my left with my butt off the bed. I feel the head of the baby almost too close to my butthole, it’s not even funny.
The nurse, panicked at this point, still tried to keep her cool and paged for the Doc. I wanted to cry and shout but I would be wasting my energy so I just kept quiet. at the point where I couldnt take it anymore, I gritted thru my teeth, held the bed post tight and asked: “WHERE IS THE DOCTOR??!”
She ran in seconds later saying: ‘I’m here! I’m here!’ I said my prayer of gratitude upon hearing her arrival.
Minutes later, she asked me to turn onto my back and push when I feel the contractions. I pushed twice and Maira is out at 3:42pm.
The sewing hurts like hell this time around because the tear was left, right, center, down and almost all the way to the back. To this, I inhaled the gas and I was high from that. LOL. It shld have the effect during labour dude, not after the labour. After the sewing, I knocked out for 2 hours in the delivery ward before the nurses shifted me to the normal ward.
Knocked out. Too tired.
I delivered to a healthy baby girl on 9 Sep 2011 at 3.42pm. She weighs 2.88KG and is 48cm long.
We named her Maira Amanie. Maira means ‘Moon’ and Amanie means ‘Aspirations / Wishes’. In hope that she will achieve whatever desires, wishes even if it’s as high or faraway as the moon.
Few minutes old. Hello my child.
Proud parents
Maira and Bunda
Maira and Ayahanda
Family Picture
P.S: I’ve also updated the cartoon family stick figures to include the new born. =)
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Posted by Tuty on Sep 6, 2011 in
Baby M2 (Maira Amanie) Happiest news i’ve heard in 3 weeks! I was really so sure i was gonna pop at 37-going-on-38-weeks. Really didnt expect to reach 39weeks and im getting slight jitters. Cuz the last 2 weeks of check up, status was at how it was before and there were no progress. And it really bothered me when doc said the doors are still closed. I panicked.
I dun wanna go through a c-sect for i am afraid of taking care of the wound AFTER birth! I kept talking to Maira and telling her to come out from the correct passageway/door and not through the window, hopefully!
So when i went for my 39wks chk up and doc said i’m already 2cm dilated, i was so happy! Knowing that within days i’ll be giving birth! And of course, in case i’ve passed my EDD on Sun, 11 Sep, i’ve to admit myself on Mon, 12 Sep at 8am for induction labour. *facepalm*
Maira, listen to Bunda. Come out as soon as you can before this weekend ok. Burst the water bag and wait till Bunda reach the hosp before u arrive. Upon arrival, take no more than 6hrs, maximum to come out ok. Dun make me suffer in pain so much ok. Let’s work together and do our jihad. InsyaAllah.
Bunda, Ayahanda and Kakak cannot wait to meet you, Baby.
